The Phone Call...

Eyelids closed with slumber dancing about my brain, I can taste the early morning crispness on the tip of my tongue as I breathe slowly with steady deliberation. 

A sound is pulling me from the comfortable happiness which is ever so close to being within my grasp. Is it your voice calling to me across the miles? That silly, made-up, love song you once sang to me in distant lands? No. It's an odd sort of Ringing. Only Ringing. Louder and louder, the sound grows increasingly closer until I am sat up full on my bed completely disoriented and lost from my aching dream-state of you. 

"Hello..."

My voice is husky with sleep and I lie as you ask if you've woken me. (Your voice is heaven.) I'm not certain why I pretend, but is seems appropriate and you never question my falseness. (I can hear every fleck of you trying to break through the receiver.) Perhaps you love the sound of my waking slowness as I fumble for thought getting hopelessly lost along the way? (There is music in every sound you utter. I smile just hearing you breathe again.) 

We somehow feel like secret lovers whispering in the predawn moments. Something magical overtakes our every word and you manage to find yourself lost in my whimsy... I will never understand why you fancy my nonsense, but I cherish the fact you do. 

We've known one another forever and a day, we hold no secrets. And yet, you insist I constantly surprise and amaze you, how can that be? 

You are my dearest heart, and I listen to your laugh remembering and wondering... At any rate, it's too late for that game now, instead we remain trapped in the lost memories of hidden 3am phone calls from our decades past... 

Shhhhhhhh!

Suddenly I wake to find I've only been chatting to a shadow of the man I once knew and a tear gently slides the contour of my cheekbone as I curl back beneath the quilts hoping your apparition stays until the dawn. Please stay...

My eyelids slowly close, my breathing deepens into the rhythmic pattern of dreaming, and I relax into a happier state of peace as I feel your arms embrace me atop that faraway hotel in our foreign land. We look toward snow-capped mountains heavily dressed with fog and the golden orange rays of a Mediterranean Sunrise. I can smell the light scent of cigarettes and gin on your lips and my heart beats a little quicker as you hold me closer, smile in my ear, and whisper, "always..." 

And this time, this time I believe you.

Snowy Heartland

Falling gently. Drifting and dancing whilst singing songs of peaceful rest to dazzle as you weave your way to earth's soft floor. I see you laughing and know the world will right itself again simply because you are near. Life is purer with you about.  And warmer, despite the obvious flaw in that line of thinking. Or perhaps it is my heart heating at the very sight of you, the feel of your gentle softness upon my lashes and cheeks. Indeed, I may never know the secrets of the universe, but I have discovered the hidden truths of first snowfalls and solitary moonlit walks. And for such small moments of joyful bliss, my heart goes on beating...

Secret Society of One

I found myself writing away this evening, but the writing was so personal I felt compelled to retreat to a world from my past to share said nonsense. Some will know where to find that world, others will simply scratch their heads in puzzlement! But it's of little importance. 

I find the whimsy of life beautiful and vibrantly expressive, however, I find society a hinderance and so, I retreat. 

I listen to music and write pages and pages in a notebook of air only to crumple and tear it, time after time. And all because I write as me instead of as myself. 

It is insanity, to be certain... but just as Twain could not pen as Clemens, neither can I as Appleby! It is a hinderance of mass proportions. And for that I apologize. 

But I do not regret... Goodnight my dears! Perhaps another day will bring better fortunes for us all:) Or not. But another day will bring another day and for that~ we can be eternally grateful! 

Dream Happy!

Broken Memories in Dream Sequence

You come to me late at night in dreams. Real as a heartbeat or breath of wind across my cheek. Your whispers wake me and I rise, dressing quickly so as not to miss the solitary dance you've promised. I'm swept back to that rooftop in Madrid, your arms strong and forever. I remember our everything. You were always my dearest friend. Even then as your lips met mine. Even after when we returned to our own worlds. I continued living for you and you for me. Sharing tales of our current affairs of the heart and the ridiculousness of it all. Seeing you again that last time in December before you left this world forever... How could I have known there would be no more serendipitous meetings; no more dances under the cold, dark stars; no more whispers of your undying love and my never-ending laughter at your eternal playboy nature. 

You didn't have to leave... You didn't have to exit so permanently. And now, you come and find me unceremoniously, without warning, and leave me to ache at your eternal absence! The realness of your smell lingers about my clothes and my soul begs the question... when will you return to me? I wonder, do you see my other love where you are? Do you talk of me and my current life? My heart is somehow still intact despite the many losses I've known and the current daily heartbreaks I endure and I wonder if your sporadic visits are to bring me hopeful news of future happy imperfections where I will once again know real love and be truly seen for me... because my inner fire is slowly extinguishing itself. 

My dear one, wrap your strong, heavenly arms about my soul and save my heart from myself. Sweet ghostly angel of mine... deliver me and I shall forgive you for leaving our waltz so selfishly early. Sing me to sleep as once you did so many moons ago, holding me tightly with the delicate scent of tobacco and bourbon upon your breath and I shall sleep to wake renewed until you visit again. My sweetest ghostly angel love, bring me the peace I long to call my own. And stay near, for the loneliness of this life is unbearable without strong arms with which to fall into and find protection when the darkness moves in.

Musical Midnight Meanderings

I find myself trapped in an insomniac nightmare cycle of torturous agony. Luckily the gorgeous sounds of Angus and Julia Stone are filling the chilly autumn air whilst soothing my weary heart and overtired soul. I so desperately adore the uniqueness of their individual and blended styles. Their music whisperingly plays my heart strings in the most realistic and idealistic ways. I adore that more than I can express. I find myself wanting to dance, sing, spin, and become forever lost in moonlit starsongs as their music plays. It's sheer magic! And viewing their videos is like lucid dreaming your way into the most puristic Wonderland ever created. It is absolute art and cinematographic storytelling every time!

Indeed, Angus and Julia Stone are truly one of my few remaining Happy Places and for their modern magic, I am forever grateful! They bring such pure joy and absolute escapism-style relief to this gypsy dancer's heart, and for that gift I shall never truly know how to express my gratitude in bare simplistic common words. All I can do is smile gently and say kindly, "Thank You, from the very depths of me kind and generous lady and sir, Thank You!"

Perhaps music isn't as meaningful to everyone, but for me, it honestly is my life's very soulblood. I couldn't survive without decent sounds pulsating the air constantly about me. Which is why when I come to die, I pray for a truly inspiring tune to be playing about my ears; for should I depart this life to horrid lyrics and a wretched beat, it may be cause for my soul to forever haunt these earthly realms:-)

Good Night, or rather, Good Morning, my darlings... May your dreams have been happy ones! And may you enjoy this lovely Angus and Julia Stone tune as I leave you:)

Maps, Adventures, and Sometimes Quests...

It seems I fall off the map more often than not these days… It's maddening. And I still find myself on many adventures and even some quests; most I enjoy, but some I prefer never to think on prior, during, or after... I suppose that is typical.

I've recently been plagued by, well an actual plague of sorts. Certain internal organs of mine have decided to turn in their notice and simply take a bit of a vacation from their daily function. I'd rather not speak on the details and the personal concern it has caused me... let's just say my will has finally had its much needed updating;)  However, thanks to modern medicine and a most exceptionally fantastic physician, who saved my life twelve years past and still takes mighty good care of me, I think things are well sorted in that department. 

Oddly, I still find myself mortally exhausted daily which has me slightly frantic and stressed because anyone who knows my day to day certainly knows I simply can't be falling asleep on my dinner plate each evening. I'm afraid to say it aloud, but I do believe my body is at war with me! I have recently made some decisions which I hope shall help appease the gods of stress management into ending this wretched battle... at least for now;) But another trip to the physician may be required before my insurance becomes too expensive to afford. (Thank you ObamaCare for that loveliness! Don't get me started!!! Grrrr!)

But enough of the drab, dull, and mundane! I've adventures with which to dispense!!! I simply need to decide the dispensing order! Until then, I shall probably toss up an oldie but goodie... Well, I should say possibly not probably! 

At any rate, for my two loyal pals who actually read my nonsense, what would you like to read on first?  My time with an author? My most excellent concert adventure! The fantabulous seminar with a famous author combined with my conference time filled with lots of famed and knowledgeable persons, many with whom I met and chatted. Or shall I share my day of being a principal at a local elementary school? Or simply tell me something you would like me to write on! 

Seriously... I am asking opinions! Give me a topic and a deadline in the comments or via email! Kick me in the cyber pants. Because I need to write and feel alive once more and this time I truly wish to write as myself. I've still not fully jumped in this blogosphere without my pen name attached! And I need to get into the swing because I feel rather withered and dead without a world of words in which to dance. My blogging hiatus must end. So help save me from myself... Give me a topic:) I beseech you! 

Cheers! 

Records, Beds, Concerts, Films, & Adventuring

As I lay here with books spread across my bed (and lap) listening to Josh Ritter's lovely and genius vocals fill the air of my room via the new vinyl I purchased last night, I ponder how to write on all the lovely adventures I've had recently. I've much to say and yet I've been rather ill so have barely been able to manage a pen and paper, let alone thumbs and whiteboard;)

But I miss my writing-time as it was mine. I also miss my daily verbiage expulsion via the blogspere and the life which exists amongst all the lovely souls to whom such a place feels of home and true happy freedom. I adore this world... it is indeed my happy place! So whilst my numbers have dwindled since hovering here under my true name in lieu of my pen name, which matters not for I prefer to write to air, those who do remain and read must keep on me to write and share lest I fade away! For you know I can wither. And I have much to share!!! 

At any rate~ Professor Zaboomafoo and I are set to watch a film so I miss scamper for now and in truth I am worn through, but I shall return with news of my adventures with Peter S. Beagle, Josh Ritter, Sam Amidon, and Carol Kranowitz in due course! And if I don't, you MUST insist I do. 

Until then, Cheers, my dears;)

The World Is A Vampire...

That song sums up my personal... EVERYthing. But such os the way of living. And I refuse to feel bitter over the nonsense of it all. For one truly doesn't need personal anythings when serving others. With a fully open and honest heart. Doing so removes possible bitterness from being conjured, eliminates possible regrets from forming, and allows even the most chained and tangled heart to beat a bit more freely.

I am never happier in life than when with the monkeyjoes, or helping others through whatever small gifts I may possess. And my gifts truly are few! But I am willing to share them completely and wholeheartedly, always. For it soothes my soul, allowing the world to go from an utter darkness to a candlelit serenity.

So instead of mud-encrusted, vampiric humanity...  I leave with a true favourite of mine. Those  who like me a little enough to call me friend will already identify with me as I dance through my love of the cinematography or lyrics.! The glory of the sounds takes my very breath away and my heart grows full whilst chasing any and all Vampires away. And so I flee to capture a star or two.

Dream Happy...

My Heaven is Not YOUR Heaven...

I love Les Miserables. I desperately wanted to see it at the theatre but never made it there. So when it came out on Pay-Per-View, I watched it four or five times because I'd rented the blasted thing and couldn't help myself. I was absolutely THRILLED with the cinematography and soundtrack! It certainly wasn't 42nd Street but nothing ever could be... 

At any rate, the poor monkeyjoes were in pain with the musical nonsense of it all, but they soldiered trough because there was a Revolution and managing singing amongst a war was nearly palpable. Nearly;)

Well, Les Mis is on HBO suddenly and I find myself popping it on often. Too often. But I haven't purchased the DVD as yet... I will nearer Christmas, no doubt. It's on my hidden list right below the mucho-expensive neck pillow on which I want to splurge:-)  

At any rate, the closing scene is epic and always, ALWAYS, leaves me in heart-palpitating tears! It is intense and beautiful and sums up... EVERYTHING! 

And my beautiful boy, oh my gorgeous child!!! Unlike the world, he knows my heart like no other (besides his twin). 

He walks out, sits on my legs quiet as a mouse, watches the screen as I silently weep through it all, and as it pans out into the final score, he takes my hand without looking at me even once, and says, "Don't worry mamasita! That's your heaven. All good revolutionary types with no more fighting to make things fair. Just all of you there together strong like the biggest army the world has ever seen and you will be happier than the universe ready to change everything with one breath because you are all in one place finally and you all are the best that ever lived! And things will be right because of you." 

Then he asked for skittles and went back to bed leaving me sobbing like a girly-girl!

Gosh, I love these monkeyjoes of mine and will never fully comprehend how I managed to deserve their wise, miraculous love!

Here is my favourite scene and truly, The Boy is right when he says it is my Heaven. I wouldn't want any other sort!!! Not Ever! 

http://youtu.be/RtbcZmCc7rg

My Bed Morning HappySad

Laying in my bed brings a bittersweet happiness to this clunky old heart of mind. 

You see, I adore the softeness of the pillows, the bouncy spring of the mattress pad, and I find absolute delight when rolling from one side to the other or laying catty corner or topsy-turvy. But the bitter smacks my face full on as I constantly feel the naggling bit of a waste-away each time I am laying about here. 

I know I should be doing other things~ but I've no desire to do them. I simply want to lay in this brilliantly ginormous bed and hideaway from the world and everything in it. But I can't... I know I can't. So in the end, I shan't... but I will remain for now. Beneath the quilts and sheets and pillows, I shall Hide! For ten minutes more, at any rate... just ten blasted minutes more... *sighs*

And so my day begins anew. The Bitter wins, but I'll tuck him up and keep the Sweetness about my mouth instead for my honey is far, far sweeter and no one needs know of the vinegar but me. 

Pip pip cheerio and all good things! To the newness of standing;) May your day be honey-filled brightness...

Dancing Raindrop Memories...

Certain songs conjure certain moments, certain individuals, and at times even certain films or television shows. It's this way for most everyone... at least I hope it is:-) Life would be a dull path otherwise...

I watched a ridiculously nonsensical film today filled with songs smacking of histories and magical ridiculousness from my own past lives. And it made me chuckle to dance and remember things almost forgotten, but not quite.

Gangsta's Paradise filled the surrounds as the credit score and how anyone could resist dancing to such a tune, whilst visions of Michelle Pfeiffer and Weird Al Yankovich danced about the mind, I've no idea! If such a person exists, he/she is made of far firmer stuff than I am; and so, I danced! But as I danced with the monkeyjoes, my mind also formed around a White House barely held together by nails and glue. Floorboards creaking and filled to the rafters with dancing happiness, it sang every Friday night during the very best Rent Parties Millersville ever saw in the mid-90s! And oh, to dance the night away there was bliss...

I adore the dance! Any and all dancing brings me solace and inexpressible joy. 

I always laugh as I dance with the monkeys over the beds and tables of our home for it makes life so much the better. Having Pandora cranking out a mix of randomness from Mills Brothers to Vampire Weekend to Bob Dylan allows a randomness of happy moment possibilities to occur.

All music reminds me of moments. Whether the moments are vintage or have yet to happen is the pure deliciousness of being... and I relish such living. Knowing the bleakness of all things dark within one's current standing can be washed away by a song, a moment, a dance... it keeps the inner fires alive like nothing else ever could. 

And so I am off to dance in the rain and escape the noise within the walls of my own making... if I am lucky, a pirate may find me and dance me off into oblivion;) Here's to the very hope of it... 

"Suicide Is Painless"...

is the title to the popular theme song from the television series M*A*S*H*. However, most individuals have no idea of the actual words which were only used during the film version... but I have known them for as long as I can remember because the song itself is one of my favourites. I've found myself longing to hear this song in its entirety as of late due to current world politics.  So I am attaching a favourite video of it towards the end.

I will not comment much on the topic because it is personal and I have family and friends whom I love and support with all my being. They serve their nation every day in various forms. I have watched flags drape more coffins than I care to share, and my family has a history of such flags hanging about homes showing respect and gratitude from a grateful nation, which I sometimes feel may not be as grateful as it could be considering the price often paid. I respect these families and lives and their hearts of loving service. My comments here are not meant to deplete such. They are strictly marked to the horrors of War itself and the driving politics which often drive such Wars... politics which rarely consider the beauty and gift these precious lives are willing to give so freely and without question, to individuals who often take for granted the costs of their own daily living. And with that disclaimer behind me, I offer the following:

War to me has always meant death. Death to the men and women sent to fight. Death to the men and women asked to defend. And Death to the civilians caught in the crossfire. 

It matters not if you agree with a war,  if you oppose war, or if you claim to hold no opinion whatsoever on war. War results in death. 

It matters not if a war is considered righteous or senseless. War means death. 

It holds no relevance if war is "justified" or "necessary" or "valid". Every death is a death mourned by a mother who grew that tiny being within her body, cherishing it and loving it to the fruition of fulfilled humanity! And whilst war may not always be unavoidable, it should never be taken lightly or joyously or happily for all lives are loved lives by someone. And death is death... That is the one certainty war offers! 

Death is the unavoidable fact holding constant for every side. And every side believes itself to be in the right of things... But there can be no true winners of War. 
Just something rattling my mind the past few days... I wrote this post using a post I originally published on another site in September of 2007. Time seems to change very little in world politics, eh?

 Perhaps I can finally get a bit of sleep now... Goodnight.

Waking Dreams

Sat in the dark of the wee morning hours, I wonder if sleep will ever come? It rarely does for when it could, one or both of my monkeys are awake or night walking and I must guard and protect as is my sacred duty. But even on the rarest of occasions when the house is silently still and the Sandman has visited every bed, mine remains undusted... my eyes wide with brilliant wakefulness. This is my current nightlife... This is my waking dream.

Apollo's Reign Over Diana's Child...

Laying upon the trampoline watching the clouds roll by, I see a millenia of broken moments and choices blended gently against the sky... the magic which might have been alongside that which remains to be seen conglomerating into a colorful array of streaks and prisms suddenly becomes what some refer to as the setting sun.

I watch souls searching aimlessly amongst the burnt umber rays for lost seconds whilst losing sight of the true treasures before them. They reach for a fool's gold instead of all the amazement within their grasp and never notice it flutter silently past like autumn leaves from splintered branches only to become forever lost in a sea of distant 'what-if' breezes.

Regret. What a nonsensically meaningless, haunting and tormenting, worthless sense of being. Such a state of mind does not belong within a heart but instead should be willingly released toward the beauty of the sinking sun. 

Nothing will ever be gained by trying to capture faded glimmers of sunlight. New rainbows of colour paint the sky each morrow, there is no need to hold fleeting memories of a past that never was.

Which is why I choose to live my life by facing the East toward each new Dawn with those I cherish most in the here and now. I remember each decision from my personal path have led me to the brilliance of the very moment in which I currently stand. And I refuse to hold fast to any Dream of a Non-Existent Possibility because my eyes are always gazing upon the gorgeous array of living colours painting the Eastern and Western skies. Faded mind prints hold no value for they can not keep the soul's inner fire alight as they host a sun long dead. 

But what do I truly know of such things... I am, after all, a child of the Moon;)

The Ravings of a Sleepless Madwoman

Staring forlornly at the ceiling above my bed as I listen to Rosi Golan on Pandora at 3am... what a sad mess of a woman I've become! It's near on humiliating to admit the place in which I find myself, yet here I type... *sighs*

I miss writing daily. I need an expressive outlet. A place to be witty, fun, semi-sexy, intelligent, free, simple, and unburdened from life! Even if none of these things are actually true anymore, I need to keep those old pieces of me alive, despite the semi-sexy bit only being a teenage fantasy, but still... I need to find the drive to reclaim myself within my own time in my own way or I simply am not going to survive this next year, let alone the next six. The goddess alone knows how difficult the past seven have been on my psyche and they are not getting easier... I naively thought they would!

Perhaps my simplest course would be taking a no-strings attached lover. Oh, if only my bohemian self could be that bohemian! Life would indeed be simpler... I could at least smile again for a spell.

Oh, hell... I need to face the truth of things. I'm damned without the gift of immortality! Such fantabulous irony is always mine, lucky gal that I am:-)

I need a walk! Have a song whilst I'm away...